Avoid phrases that can unintentionally shut down curiosity, reinforce stereotypes, or teach kids to suppress honest questions. Even if you have good intentions, certain statements can work against the very values you're trying to instill.
Below are common things you should NOT say when teaching DEI morals, why they don’t work, and what to say instead.
1. “We don’t see color in our family.”
Why this doesn’t help:
While well-intended, this phrase can invalidate your child’s observations and experiences. Kids do notice differences and pretending those differences don’t exist can send the message that they’re uncomfortable or taboo to talk about.
What to say instead:
“We notice differences, and that’s okay. People come from many backgrounds, and those differences are part of what makes everyone unique.”
This approach affirms reality while reinforcing respect and curiosity.
2. “Everyone is treated the same, so it’s fair.”
Why this doesn’t help:
Children live in a world where outcomes are not equal, and they notice it. Saying this can confuse them or make them feel dismissed when they see unfairness at school, in media, or in their community.
What to say instead:
“Fair doesn’t always mean the same. Sometimes people need different kinds of help to have the same opportunities.”
This introduces equity in a concrete, age-appropriate way.
3. “That’s just how things are.”
Why this doesn’t help:
This phrase shuts down curiosity and critical thinking. It teaches kids that systems and norms are fixed and unquestionable, rather than shaped by individuals.
What to say instead:
“That’s how things have been for a long time, but people are working to change it. What do you think would make it fairer?”
Inviting your child’s thoughts empowers them and builds empathy.
4. “Don’t say that — it’s offensive.”
Why this doesn’t help:
While it’s important to stop harmful language, simply labeling something as “offensive” without explanation can leave kids confused or resentful.
What to say instead:
“That word can hurt people because of how it’s been used in the past. Let me explain why — and here’s a better word to use.”
This teaches accountability and understanding, not fear.
5. “Everyone gets bullied.”
Why this doesn’t help:
This minimizes the experiences of children who are targeted because of race, disability, gender identity, or other aspects of who they are. It can make kids feel like they’re overreacting or that their pain doesn’t matter.
What to say instead:
“Some kids are targeted more than others, and that’s not okay. I’m glad you told me.”
Validation builds trust and emotional safety.
6. “You shouldn’t notice that.”
Why this doesn’t help:
Kids noticing differences isn’t the problem — what they do with that noticing is what matters. Shaming awareness can lead to silence instead of learning.
What to say instead:
“It’s okay to notice differences. What matters is how we talk about them and how we treat people.”
This keeps the focus on behavior and respect.
7. “We don’t talk about that.”
Why this doesn’t help:
Silence teaches kids that certain topics are uncomfortable, dangerous, or shameful. They’ll still learn — just from peers, social media, or misinformation instead of you.
What to say instead:
“That’s a big topic, and we can talk about it in a way that makes sense. What are you wondering about?”
This keeps you as a trusted guide.
The Big Picture
Kids don’t need parents who have all the answers; they need parents who are willing to listen, reflect, and model growth.
The trick is to focus on guidance that works in real life — in the car, at the dinner table, and after school when the tough questions come out.
The goal isn’t to raise kids who are afraid of saying the wrong thing. It’s to raise kids who care enough to learn, listen, and do better.